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A year.. maybe Nov. 5th, 2008 @ 09:07 am
Okay so..

It's been like a year since I've updated this or even really looked at it. But here we go. A lot of shit has happened, a lot of good has happened, but this is really a moment for me to just be annoyed.

Barak Obama is going to be the President of the United States. Way to go liberals and way to go democrats getting out and way for the young votes and way for a lot. But pause your life for a minute. California, Arizona, and Florida just banned gay marriage. And Nebraska just banned gay adoption. Fuck it.. why is it that I have a feeling I'll only ever be able to get married in jersey? WTF?! that's what I really have to say about that. Yay for the Black president YAY for getting through the racist bias this country has had for so long... I guess I just need to sit around and wait for.. what.. 20.. 30.. 40 years before my time comes along. And if I think about my women's rights, that still hasn't come around yet either so maybe I'll be waiting around 100 years or so. God damnit.

Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 07:12 pm
Never in my life have I ever met a more offensive director... "dykey" is not a fucking adjective to use on a daily basis! Deciding a person's value on their family income is something I see as obscene. Telling an entire student department that you picked a show so there would be more roles for white women is unbelievable. And to look at a set that you approved three months ago, a day before tech, and tell the designer it looks horrible because the carpet doesn't look thick enough for a rich family. Or truly just that all of the furniture does not look like it came from a wealthy enough family....

All I know is that 6 inch crown molding is not only hard as fuck to make faux, but also not something in an unwealthy house. Wallpaper, framed in walls with etched molding, and bathrooms with venitian tiles and old maghogany furniture is not something that any old house would have. I can not understand what the fuck this woman's problem is. And being one of the people helping the grad designer, and hearing nothing but amazing things from anyone who walks into the space, and the one watching this show start to falter because of her is beyond comprehension.

If she wasn't the chair of the department I would have had her fired by now... fuck it.


(Bad day at rehearsal.. fuck this goddamn show)

busting my ass for little response Feb. 20th, 2008 @ 11:49 am
There is a saying that I think I've always truly believed in and that is the honest truth, "You have to pay your dues." Especially in theatre this is 100% true. You have to take the crap jobs and do the bitch work in order to work your way up a ladder. So what have I done? I busted my ass at Toby's to get to where I was offered the dream job of anyone wanting to work in theatre and at the mere age of 19. What do I do to the offer that meant the world to me because it came from a family I sacrificed so much for over a long span of years? I said no, I had to go to school I needed to learn more in order to become a better worker, stage manager, tech, and person. Right? Those are all amazing and perfectly honest reasons to have to go to school. So where's the problem.... I transferred. You make a name for yourself in any college, especially in theatre your freshman year. Came here as a sophomore. No one got to see all the effort I put in putting up with the ass holes at RIC, the people who couldn't measure, the professors who hated teaching. I paid my dues that freshman year, made sure everyone ended up knowing who I was, I PAID MY DUES. So here I've paid dues to an organization that wanted to repay me for that blood, sweat, and pinched nerve. Then I go to RIC and pay my dues and I know I could have truly be a big part of all of that collaboration, maybe been able to push myself run the shop, force the ass holes to listen and give the students a chance to show their work. I paid my dues and would have reaped the benefits (not without a fight of course).

But here.. in Temple I'm paying my dues all over again. ASM'ing a show with 6 Sm's and 6 actors, baby sitting an idiot, working with non-theatre majors and a girl who I think I could do her job better than. And do I get to reap the benefits next year? No, I'll have to work twice as hard next year to learn anything, take classes again i've already taken because they are not "up to Temple's standards". (intro, principles of design, and Theatre History 1. How many times do I need to learn about Shakespeare and Greek theatre?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) So what will I learn? Nothing new. What will I get for the dues I've paid? More pain and sacrifice out of my pocket.

Leaving the dream job to come and relearn all the things I know, not be able to learn anything new, and definetly not grow as a theatre worker. Way to go... I wish I was done paying my dues.

(This was my rant, the thing that made me cry, the reason I rethink the things I've done in my life. But there are benefits to Temple.. a lot. I love Philly, I love my girlfriend, I love being close to home, I love the people here, I love my gen-ed classes. Its a rant, it needed to happen. But in all honesty... I thought I would stop missing RIC once I left.. it just feels a lot like home and I'm not there. Fuck... let's go to the ocean)
Current Location: Ocean in my mind
Current Mood: ranting
Current Music: "So Jealous" T&S

scattered visions of past Aug. 11th, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
I'm having these nostalgic moments of the past recently that are turning my mind and body inside and out. Recollections of things circling back again to meet me eye to eye. They tell you that life is just a path that you follow and sometimes you have turns that bring curve back to bring you to a place you've walked before. And I sit here.. starring at my computer praying to anyone with the power to change my luck to stop it. Take my path of life and curve it forward.. I don't want to go back to that circle I found myself in 2001. I thought that pain of those two years has stopped behind me far far away. Yet I feel the same as I did then.. that something was going to happen the same way it did before. That I'm cursed with this luck that brings horror in front of my eyes, worry to my mind, and dread to my heart....

Anyone got a truck full of asphalt so I can repave?

update Aug. 11th, 2007 @ 11:38 pm
OKay so.... what had happened was... I fell off the face of the earth for awhile. Work kicked in high gear and now will be shortly kicked into overdrive but basically.. needed an update.

I found an apartment today on Carlisle right behind one of the Temple Dorms. It's a five bedroom town house with high ceilings, new washer and dryer and stove, and the best part is my set up. Three floors, one bedroom on the first, three on the second, and my own bedroom and living space and bathroom ALL to myself. I'm so stoked about the situation. Now living with 4 women... iffy. But because I'm alone on the third floor I think I'll be able to escape when nessecary. Biggest plus is it might as well be on campus. So now I'm not only registered for classes but I have a place to live now too.. AMAZING.

As for work.. my stage manager, boss, and basically sister is leaving Toby's. As she should because she went to school for being a teacher and well you should do what you go to school for. She's excited and I'm upset. To realize that when I come back to Toby's Nicole won't be there.. sucks. I know she's not gonna drop off the planet because she's like a sister to me. But.. it just blows. It's hurting me a little more than I thought it would.. . Everytime I go to leave my theatre I break my heart a little. I got offered her job but couldn't take it because of school. It's my home in so many ways. As much as I complain about how much I work, as soon as I walk in that building I find myself happy. There's drama and bullshit like there is at every work place.. but there is a family there.. an important and amazing family that I feel like I'm abandoning every time i leave. It doesn't help that Toby herself is impossible to say no to. "Sarah stay here and you'll learn more than a school will teach you. Plus I'll pay you instead of charging you." Oh if only... oh if only. I mean shit a company stage manager at 19?!!!?! that doesn't happen. *sigh* Oh well.. I'm going to Temple, I'm VERY excited but still.. sometimes at a loss.

I went to Ocean City, NJ for a week with the lady and some friends and it was amazing. Not much more I can say about that because AMAZING pretty much sums it up.

What else? nothing for now.. yup.. there ya go. I feel better now I feel like I've caught myself up on my own life too.. mwuahahahah.
Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: eh
Current Music: Ani Difranco
Other entries
» it's been too long
I think it's just been too long since my last update but to be honest.. there hasn't been much to update.

Basically... I'm in temple, registering for classes with an advisor next week.. only problem.. I'm fucked for housing. So this is going to be an interesting next couple of weeks where I scrounge for housing or I end up at Toby's for the rest of my life.. or HCC which on a lot of levels is a fate worse than death.

My mother found my ciggs officially two days ago and since then everything bad is because I smoke. "Maybe you wouldn't be so tired if you didn't smoke" or "Maybe you could sleep better if you didn't smoke" or "your laundry isn't clean because you're smoking" I love my mother I do.. but mom I get the point you don't like me smoking.. sometimes I don't like me smoking.. but IT"S SOOOOO GOOODD!!! and could you see me not smoking? I can't, that's a nightmare I'd like to NOT have thanks lol.

I'm working everyday... pretty much all day. managed a vaca to Providence for the fourth and am going for about a week to my lady's beach house in OC, NJ. I'm so excited I may pee. But before that can I happen I have to work 12 hour days at the theatre for basically two weeks straight.. fuck my life. I do love my job so at least I can enjoy it when I'm there.. but recently.. I'm just so overwhelmed with life and being there all the time that I just dread having to wake up and go, come home to eat something, then going back to the theatre. It's a pain in my ass.

Rentals are going on a vaca just the two of them for like.. a week or so starting tomorrow. Basically this means I can do all the things I have been doing all summer, just with no bitching attached and less excuses and lies and more just.. "Hey mike is having a toga party this weekend and I'm going." or "I'm spending the night at my girlfriend's house BYE!" That's the plan and I just wish I wasn't working so much so I could enjoy it more. Oh well shit happens.

I guess my biggest concern right now in my life is my pre-ordered copies of Harry Potter 7 getting here on time... grawr. Well that and have a place to live next semester. Fucking shit... I'm exhausted and going to bed.. goodnight life.

(ps- sorry for being to LJ-lazy)

» Here it is
Here's my problem...

I've wanted so desperatley to come home from Rhode Island for weeks... months..prettymuch the whole year. By the end of last semester coming back to RIC for another semester made me physically ill. There were a lot of problems with me being away from all the reminders of life that I have here. But I found ways to deal... better put I found people who I could attach myself too so I had a life there. I mean the rugby team was always the most important people to me.. but then other people stepped into my life and with that I found home. I created a new home with new reminders and memories to help me through the time. I thought I was still just bidding my time until I got to go home, but then I found myself not willing to leave. Maybe if I was going back next semester it would be better. Shit maybe I should... but I know it would be the end of me. I would watch important people leave again, stop remembering why I live my life the way I do and not to mention learn absolutley nothing... so this is the right decision. But my bed didn't feel right last night. My room didn't look right, and my OCD is kicking in big time because this is NOT how I have been living my life.

I miss it.. more importantly I miss the people. The amazing people that I connected with on so many levels.. the people I know I'll keep in my life for the absolute rest of my life because I don't leave people. But still... fuck. Just fuck. I have a work schedule to kill right now and I'm so incredibly excited by it simply because it's my second home in so many ways. Dan McQuay will be there, Nicole will be there, along with David and Matt and Lynn. I'll be happy there... I wish it was time to work now.

Instead I'm unpacking my life that I had made for myself. I miss them.. all of them... maybe a couple more than others.. but still.. God damnit I'm not good at leaving people. I'm already trying to figure out when I can manage to go back to RI for a long weekend or in the middle of the week. Fuck mylife... but It'll get better. My darling will come home soon and then we can help each other. Liz is gonna come down and visit and so are Sox and Helmet. And who knows what else the summer will bring. All my HoCo bums will be completely back in town soon and with that we KNOW hell ensues and it's so much better when you are around the friends who love you. but I can't get over the fact that I just left a bunch who loved me too.... It'll get better I just need to keep convincing myself of that.

» The fucking point
This is a rant... if you don't want to read the rant, then please pass this entry by.


The fucking records office at my old High School decide to not be in their cute like office after 11am in the morning. Which means I need to wake up balls early to call them. At which point they will probably tell me they can't send my transcript or even worse, not let Erin pick one up for me. PS_ WHY THE FUCK DID SOMETHING I SEND 3 WEEKS AGO NOT GET TO SOMEWHERE ONLY 300 MILES AWAY!!! AHHHHH

Wonder why I'm stressed? Wrapping up the life I've been doing here in RI without a FUCKING CLUE as to where i'll be next semester. HCC, Temple, now my mom wants me to look at WVU.. I HATE WEST VIRGINA! AHHHHH i'm so upset about a lot of things, I'm stressing myself out by simply procrastinating for everything because I have no drive or desire left to do it. I need it to be May 11th and me on my way home. So that on the morning of May 12th, I can wake up in my bed, get in my car, and drive to work. I love my job, I love my friends, I need the summer more than I can say. But at the same time I am torn. I have met some amazing people here, some people I know I won't let go of, but still it's depressing. AHHHHH I never wanted to go to college in the first place. So maybe all of this could have been solved prior!

I hate that things don't seem to be going my way.

Ps- I may be going to Baltimore this weekend again... I hate the things I've entangled myself in... AHHHHH
» (No Subject)
Mindless Self Indulgence...

When you hear that what do you think? ya know what i think? AMAZING MUSIC! look it up bitches. I just remembered how much I love them.. newly renewed love.. Finally not listening to sad slow music anymore. Now angry crazy music mmmm amazing. Thought that counts as an update so pttthhhbbb
» Headaches
I'm tired of headaches plagueing my existance. I thought that taking the meds would make things a little easier, make my impulses slower in thought process, make everything seem just a little easier. But... ya know what.. not so much. I think it's time to stop taking them again and deal with who I am. Yup.. sounds like a plan.


I haven't really UPDATED for other people to see since Christmas and this I know.. soooo.. let's run an update. I'm back at RIC and feel as though I'm wasting money and time. If it weren't for some really great people I'd probably just go home to be honest. Not saying my parents would let me do that because "I'm supposed to go to college" but I'm just saying I have a full time job at a theatre I love back home... sooooo why am I here to kiss ass to two white men that I won't ever have to deal with again? *shrug* Biding my time I suppose.

I've applied to Temple University and Madey, the thought of us being in the same city... overwhelmingly amazing hehe. Their theatre department looks beautiful and I feel like I'll just have to prove myself there, not kiss ass. And in any terms HELLO studying abroad in Dublin and London I think is a no brainer. I need a bigger campus I need to not run into the EXACT same people every hour of everyday. I need a change, I need something.. better. If by some reason I don't get into Temple University, I'll be taking a semester off and going to HCC for the semester and working. And I know I've said for years I'll never go to HCC but honestly it looks a lot better than anything else does right now. Uh so yes that's school for you.

What else... uh.... My brother in law and sister are still living at home with Rowenna my beautiful niece. I feel like I'm missing out on all of that home life. My entire family at home and I'm not. I should understand missing that, but I don't.. some days I just want to go home.

Oh and for a couple of you who know me well... I relapsed on drugs.. I'm doing much better now but the beginning of the semester was not a pleasant one. I'm working through it which is much more important I suppose. Life is slow and I'm simply bidding my time until May 10th when I have my last final and I can go back to where I know how to deal with my problems. And then I feel like my life will be back to the normalcy I need. My counseler, my groups, my friends, my car, my streets, and my territory with the reminders of why I need to live life in a straighter path. I've strayed from my path that I fought so hard to be on. And now.. I'm bidding my time until I can get back there.

So yeah.. I think that covers all of it. and woo for an update. It was brought to my attention. *wink*

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