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Previous Entry Here it is May. 12th, 2007 @ 09:29 am Next Entry
Here's my problem...

I've wanted so desperatley to come home from Rhode Island for weeks... months..prettymuch the whole year. By the end of last semester coming back to RIC for another semester made me physically ill. There were a lot of problems with me being away from all the reminders of life that I have here. But I found ways to deal... better put I found people who I could attach myself too so I had a life there. I mean the rugby team was always the most important people to me.. but then other people stepped into my life and with that I found home. I created a new home with new reminders and memories to help me through the time. I thought I was still just bidding my time until I got to go home, but then I found myself not willing to leave. Maybe if I was going back next semester it would be better. Shit maybe I should... but I know it would be the end of me. I would watch important people leave again, stop remembering why I live my life the way I do and not to mention learn absolutley nothing... so this is the right decision. But my bed didn't feel right last night. My room didn't look right, and my OCD is kicking in big time because this is NOT how I have been living my life.

I miss it.. more importantly I miss the people. The amazing people that I connected with on so many levels.. the people I know I'll keep in my life for the absolute rest of my life because I don't leave people. But still... fuck. Just fuck. I have a work schedule to kill right now and I'm so incredibly excited by it simply because it's my second home in so many ways. Dan McQuay will be there, Nicole will be there, along with David and Matt and Lynn. I'll be happy there... I wish it was time to work now.

Instead I'm unpacking my life that I had made for myself. I miss them.. all of them... maybe a couple more than others.. but still.. God damnit I'm not good at leaving people. I'm already trying to figure out when I can manage to go back to RI for a long weekend or in the middle of the week. Fuck mylife... but It'll get better. My darling will come home soon and then we can help each other. Liz is gonna come down and visit and so are Sox and Helmet. And who knows what else the summer will bring. All my HoCo bums will be completely back in town soon and with that we KNOW hell ensues and it's so much better when you are around the friends who love you. but I can't get over the fact that I just left a bunch who loved me too.... It'll get better I just need to keep convincing myself of that.

Current Location: HoCo
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Lizjen's Mix
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Date:May 14th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
We'll miss you, Ses!

(by the way, this is Dezi)
Date:May 19th, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC)
As much as i miss you, and wish you were here much of the time, coming back next semester is about the worst idea of life. If you come back here, you will never leave. Half of the techies have been in that position- leave or stay... and for some foolish reason the majority chose to stay. Or we had to stay. Or we put it off one more semester and then say fuck it maybe i'll go somewhere better for grad school one day. But you can't just come back for one more semester because it's never one more semester. Sooner than later, you're almost thirty and you're still working for Trinity and you take far too much pride in your membership at the Brew Pub Mug Club. And all your hopes and dreams of doing something with your life, getting out there to see the world, have dwindled to nothing. This place is a fucking black hole. It sucks the life out of anything it can get a firm grip on.
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